I started my new life at Ramchandrapur very simply. We had lots of visitors on a regular basis. I used to do the cooking to feed them. Rabi, Jagabandhu and Sarada were very helpful. My neighbours and villagers accepted me with love and affection.
Your Thakur, used to sew, sell Khadi, and grow vegetables all day. I also managed to do grow a vegetable garden myself. We used to pick about 10/15Kg of vegetables every day for our use. All excess vegetables were distributed to the neighbours. He never slept more than three hours in a day. He always enjoyed doing his own work .He never ordered anyone else to do his work. He was a self-sufficient man.
After marriage we had a very simple life. We did not break our promises. The Holy Man (Gurudev) always guided us in our dreams. Gurudev, was guiding us a long time, before we saw Him physically. It is most astonishing to think that. One day your Thakur said, ‘ The Holy Man said- it is a sin not to satisfy your wife. You are going to have eight children, but will loose one’. We used to share the same bed. I was a bit excited one day, but remembered my promise and soon became ashamed as I realised that your Thakur had understood my feelings and had sighed. I decided to kill myself, and so went out with a matchbox ready to do the deed. He ran out of the room, and woke my elder brother. He came to take me to Calcutta, and therefore saved my life. On that morning your Thakur received the above instructions from the Holy Man. After that we had eight children, our first one died. She was a miraculous girl. Her body was very shiny. Her body never produced a shadow. Whenever she went to the toilet, she wanted us to clean her from the waist down. She never shared her food with anyone so that it didn’t get ‘aitha’. Everybody knew her in Purulia Town. She left this world on 1st Bishak; she was one year and ten months old. When they took her for cremation, it seemed she was still alive. Eventually, after doctors checked her, we buried her. When Bulbul left her body, Bharati, my second daughter was 4 months old. After Bharati was born I didn’t menstruate for a year. After this menstruation your Thakur came to me on the advice our Gurudev at a particular time and date, for six days consecutively. After one month I became pregnant again. In all my married life your Thakur has come to me in this way. When I was pregnant or after childbirth until I had my menstruation He never came to me. I do not have any shame in telling you this. You all need to know. Sometimes I lost control, but recovered very quickly with the grace of our Gurudev.
After your Thakur went to take Sanyas, I cried for a few days. I was frightened that he might not come back again. On the third day Thakur (my Gurudev) appeared and said, ‘ I have said to him that he should live with you just like Gosaiji and I have done with our wives. I know you would not do him any harm’. I felt better. This is why I tried to stay at a distance from Him. As a result of this people thought that I did not look after Him. Then, with Gosaiji and Darbesji’s instructions, (22nd June 1956), I had to take on the responsibility for the daily duties of the Ashram. Still, I tried not to go too close to Him so that I would not be responsible for disturbing His spiritual life. I haven’t been able to serve you Thakur the way everyone expected. You think that I didn’t look after your Thakur- this is not true. I always do Puja to Him in my heart. I know who He really is, but I am not allowed to say. Where is my ability to look after Him, any way? Those that think they can influence Him with money or by showing external emotion don’t understand that Shiva is made of stone. He is as soft as He is hard. That is why I say be careful if He turns against you, no one will be able to help you. Everyone is equal in His eyes. There is no difference between rich or poor. Once, someone had come to the Ashram with sixty thousand rupees, your Thakur made him turn back straight away. At that time our Gurudev was alive, and wrote-‘ you passed a big exam.’ In this way Gurudev tested our integrity many times over. He (Gurudev) told us about our past life. When He (Gurudev) came to the Ashram, one day, He said, -‘can you do what ever I say?’ We replied, ‘ yes’. Then He called your Thakur. He asked, ‘Could you be naked in front of me’? We replied, ‘Yes’. We did not wait for His reply. We took off our clothes. Thakur was surprised and said, ‘what have you done, Ma?’ Then He did Sastanga pranam on the floor. We were senseless. We were like two little children with our most loveable father. He said, ‘ I came to exam both of you, but I was examined too’. Another day, He said, ‘Ma, your husband has to go through many different situations. I want to examine his self-control’.
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